I’ve spent the last month reimagining Pain Doll. I’m ready to begin writing again. The new concept is completely different. It was hard to accept that what I had worked on for a year wasn’t good enough. But I knew in my gut that there was a reason I wasn’t excited about it. If I’m not so enthralled with it I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks, it’s not the best I can do.
I have been far too hard on myself about the fact that it is nearly October and I’ve done nothing creatively I wanted to accomplish. But, the truth is, I’ve been getting pieces of myself back and reacquainting myself with them. It’s something that cannot be measured by any stick society uses as an indication of success and for that reason I’ve discounted it.
I did the craziest thing I have done for myself in a great while a couple of days ago. I splurged for a set of ridiculously expensive gel nails with dusty pink glitter set into one of the layers. A year ago, I barely had enough money to put a good meal on the table. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about spending a small fortune on myself. It’s wild how perspective is so drastically altered by what happens in life. I keep looking down at my sparklie finger tips in pure joy, something I would have never done at any other time in my life because it wasn’t special. But It was special. I simply didn’t have the wisdom to fully enjoy it.
It’s a very strange time. I have so many things I have never had but always wanted. And yet I am short things I have always had but lost.