I had So Many Stories To Share But….

"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."

-- Rita Mae Brown

"Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to."

-- Alan Keightley


We had Fall for a week.  It was nice. I was able to break out a coat and some boots.   I even came down with a flu. And then, today, it was back to 90 degree weather.  Only, I still have my quaint Fall zombie flu.

Time is flying by faster than I’d prefer, given that this is my favorite time of year to savor. That’s one of the things I loathe about survival and monetary obligations.  A person can get so lost in it that pointless machine of making other people rich that they wake up one day in what feels like the blink of an eye with huge swaths of time having passed yet nothing personal accomplished.  .

I desperately want to disappear into a dark underground economy where pleasure and fantasy are peddled and be done with the ‘real’ world. After watching those two presidential debates where being a loud asshole meant ‘winning,’ I want no more of this American society full of stupidity glorified.  I want to wake up late every afternoon, don pretty clothes and seduce each second with witty hedonism.  I’d like my charisma and charm to fill my coffers rather than someone else’s.

Instead, there is this revolution that must be executed. 

Three Weeks Left

We are down to the wire for Bowling For Boobies 2012.  Our team is still drastically short the 6K we pledged to raise.  I am personally $448 shy of my goal.

This charity supports Los Angeles women currently fighting breast cancer. It does not go toward research. It helps pay medical bills and any other bills these women are unable to cover as they are focused on surviving a potentially deadly disease.

Any donation is pure magic.  Even a couple of dollars. So please consider tossing a few this way.

Thank you!

Dave Stewart @ The Troubadour

In yet another first, __wolverine__ took me to see Dave Stewart of Eurythmics fame this past Friday night.  I wasn’t at all sure what to expect save that every time he takes me to one of these kinds shows, the audience is always packed with musicians and the experience is life changing.  This was no different.

The night began with a young boy getting up on stage and belting out the most ungodly soul music with the voice of a tortured angel.  He did it a cappella.  It was pure magic.  It made me realize my obsession with dark Americana would work.

While I’ve been familiar with Dave’s body of work for the better part of my life, I didn’t truly understand the sheer genius of it.  Hearing it from his hands, with his twelve year old daughter belting it out, or any of the several beautiful women he brought out singing it (including a woman named Delta Goodrem who has now become the best vocalist on the planet to me), I realized two things:

Dave Stewart is a man with a deep soul.

Dave Stewart is a man who dearly loves women and does so with the greatest of respect bordering on worship.

Any man who can do all of that and do it with a face full of glitter is entirely worthy of my adoration.

That night, I went to church and I worshiped at the altar of female power given wings by eloquence.  I didn’t want it to end, either. 

As an encore, John Mayer came out, reminding LA why he’s more heir to the Clapton throne than he’s been marketed to be.  Forget his ridiculous pop love songs.  John Mayer is 100% American Rock Blues with guitar skills that kill. 

Live music is my drug.

More, please!

Gather Ye Rosebuds

I’ve spent the last month reimagining Pain Doll.  I’m ready to begin writing again.  The new concept is completely different.  It was hard to accept that what I had worked on for a year wasn’t good enough.  But I knew in my gut that there was a reason I wasn’t excited about it.  If I’m not so enthralled with it I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks, it’s not the best I can do.

I have been far too hard on myself about the fact that it is nearly October and I’ve done nothing creatively I wanted to accomplish.  But, the truth is, I’ve been getting pieces of myself back and reacquainting myself with them.  It’s something that cannot be measured by any stick society uses as an indication of success and for that reason I’ve discounted it.

I did the craziest thing I have done for myself in a great while a couple of days ago.  I splurged for a set of ridiculously expensive gel nails with dusty pink glitter set into one of the layers.  A year ago, I barely had enough money to put a good meal on the table. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about spending a small fortune on myself.  It’s wild how perspective is so drastically altered by what happens in life.  I keep looking down at my sparklie finger tips in pure joy, something I would have never done at any other time in my life because it wasn’t special.  But It was special.  I simply didn’t have the wisdom to fully enjoy it.

It’s a very strange time.  I have so many things I have never had but always wanted.  And yet I am short things I have always had but lost.

Adam Ant

For my birthday this past year, __wolverine__ bought tickets to see Adam Ant.  The original concert date was supposed to be in February but circumstances were such that it didn’t happen until quite recently.

I’ve never seen Adam Ant. While he was a massive part of my youth, I didn’t expect to be as deeply affected as I was by the whole experience.  It was both bittersweet and elating.  Bittersweet because he’s lost all of his prettiness that made his every word an exquisite tease.  Elating because his voice is totally in tact.  It hasn’t changed a bit.

For days after the concert, I couldn’t stop listening to the songs I had heard live.

I cannot wait for his new album.

Learn A New Trick

Every year that Burning Man comes around, I reflect upon transforming my life.  I’ve done it twice in the last year.  This latest shot at it has panned out better than I could have imagined but I am still so far from where I want to be.

Now I am at a bit of a crossroads.  I tapped, unexpectedly, into something huge and I am flourishing for the most part.  But I’m realizing, for the millionth time, that no matter how grand these dreams someone else puts into motion are that I am lucky enough to be part of, I still burn for my own dreams.  And there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction muttering through it all.

It feels like settling to not take the ultimate risk of putting everything I am on the line to birth a dream from out of my soul. I am a visionary not a follower.  And I need to be constantly challenged with new things to stay happy.

The other thing Burning Man offers that is hard to find in Los Angeles is a safe place to be creative.  With the dawn of the digital age, anyone putting anything out there is swamped with all sorts of input, most of which is very negative.  It takes whatever critical voice we have inside go into overdrive.  I know I am ready to defeat that voice but I just need a little bubble of supportiveness to get started. 

I haven’t been able to find it.

But I’m standing here at this same place I’ve been so many times. This time, I won’t be talked out of the years of experience and wisdom I have gathered.

I’m in a good place.  It’s not my place.  So I need to find balance.  I need to find a way to pour my best into the other person’s dream but walk away at the end of the day and focus on nurturing my dream.  There is a way to be responsible to one yet honor the other.

Bowling For Boobies 2012

For the fourth year, I am participating in Bowling For Boobies, a local charity that financially supports women with breast cancer.  As is always the case, I pledged to raise 1K by October 21st.

After a month of fundraising, I am still $740 shy of my goal.  I realize things are still rough for a lot of you out there. In fact, most of the people who have donated thus far have very little to spare.  But this is about community and reaching out when someone is far worse off than you.  Even a couple of dollars means everything to a woman in the fight of her life.

Please consider performing a little miracle.


Comfort is my enemy.

I don’t mean luxury.  I refer to being used to something or being able to do it without much effort. 

The lack of fear or a cliff to fall off of… less challenge…  It makes me restless.  I do my best work when I am not sure what the hell is going to happen or if I can even do it in the first place.

I am an accomplishment junkie.  I’ve said it before.  And it’s still true.  In fact, the harder the thing I just finished conquering is…. the further I fall into boredom after it has been vanquished.

The thing is… this time… that comfort is still quite a feat.  It’s not exactly easy. I still have to put forth effort.  And it’s of a calibre I haven’t enjoyed in years.  I want to keep it around and maintain it while I pursue whatever will make my blood burn next.

Try, Try Again

I’ve started and deleted this page several times.  Everything I’ve typed would be better fodder for a morning pages dump than something I put on the internet for posterity.

It’s not that I haven’t been doing much.  It’s quite the opposite.  Life has resumed being engaging, challenging and full of unique experiences.  I adore the new people in my life too.

Maybe this will never quite be what it once was for me.

Or maybe it is possible to fall out of practice with something that once was second nature.

Collapsing At The Finish Line

I am enjoying the first full 48 hours I have had to myself in a little over a month.  I have collapsed at the finish line, proud of what has been accomplished and enjoying the sweet rewards of that effort.  It is finally becoming comfortable to once more be successful.  I intend to not take it for granted and be grateful every day.  It can all go away in the blink of the eye, even when doing everything the right way.  It is possible to put it all out there, body and soul, yet still come up dry.  Hard work leading to prosperity is no longer part of reality in this country.

Most of what I am up to is moving ahead very slowly. I am still looking at old historical spaces in DTLA.  I haven’t written in a month but I have been taking in insane amounts of information that has fueled my imagination, fleshing out that darker future version of Los Angeles I have been creating for years.

The last two weeks have been about testing myself, learning, networking, letting go and growing.




Whatever it is, it has been hard, painful and a pure joy.


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