Retro Hollywood Starlet

The Dry Spell

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:40:14 GMT

"We have to decide for ourselves what's nourishing to our souls, and do those things over others."

-- Thomas Moore

The days are flying by as the trip out to Texas draws near. These last three days feel like mere hours given the enormous list of things I hope to accomplish. Luckily, I was given some time off tonight from the Tiki room and I've made the most of my morning getting things done with a wicked efficiency.

I think the thing that scares me about all of this I'm about to embark on is how much importance I've placed on it. I haven't been doing much lately in the way of acting. Selecting to make performance sacred and only do good projects along with selecting to put survival ahead of creative desires has made for a very stark year and a half. This handful of days will be the only ones filled with the thing I love doing more than anything else. It's like handing someone a glass of water in the middle of a desert. Of course they are going to gulp it down desperately even if wisdom dictates savoring each swallow.

Oddly enough, I did hear from the writer/director of Outcry this past week. That movie is still in preproduction due to the fact that some of the technology that will be used on the film is being invented as we speak. He said it'd start production sometime in 2010.

Regardless of the frenetic energy of a dry spell, I plan to have a good time. I also plan to come back home to California and find a way to make more of this happen. My soul deserves better than this starvation.

The MJ Madness

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 19:11:40 GMT

The entire Michael Jackson situation has been very surreal. I haven't been over to the Staples Center even though I work across the street but I see pictures and hear stories. I feel like an outsider looking in through a window. While I am sad about his death, I'm not connecting with the fanaticism that has developed. I had rather hoped to get into the memorial service to experience the energy of that many people communing over one circumstance. I have a feeling it would be a once in a lifetime adventure.

In the meantime, security is about to become tight in the area. All the AEG employees and those of us in tenant businesses have been given special stickers to get us past the police and various security measures. More street closures will happen and all the freeway ramps will be shut down.

Another Lottery Lost

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:13:39 GMT

I didn't get tickets in the Michael Jackson lottery.

I'm not at all surprised given the fact that nearly two million people tossed their names in and people no doubt found a way to stuff the box with extra chances.

I'll be watching it from bed, which is probably for the best given how exhausted I am.

Feasting In A Recession

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 08:08:23 GMT

While I feel terrible that stores are losing money on high end items due to lack of demand during these tough times, I'm reveling in being able to afford very luxurious meals. Of course, it doesn't hurt any that I know how to cook like a chef in a fine dining establishment. You can't purchase that in a store.

We've been eating very well these past few weeks. Filets... exotic meats... double chops... It's been wonderful. And for our modest 4th of July festivities, the first we've been able to spend together in years, we'll be eating lobster tails ($12 for two at Whole Foods) along side steak.

Usually such meals are reserved for special occasions in our household but with these sales going on we're eating at a level that wasn't at all possible when things were prosperous. Understand, of course, that it's only two or three nights a week I manage to cook due to my schedule. Most days I'm lucky to eat more than a protein bar and a piece of fruit.

If only I could find the equivalent silver lining for the lack of sleep I get...

An Insomniac's Inner Monologue

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:42:27 GMT

Sleeping has become difficult in the last week and all my tricks are failing to work. The sleep I am getting when I finally pass out isn't high quality. I'm tired and scatterbrained as a result. I'm not getting things done either.

It's also become difficult to go to the day job. My head is so far into a different space that it's annoying to have to pull back out of that focus to do something that just doesn't satisfy me in any way. Part of it is that I'm trying to adopt a type of energy that is contrary to what I am exposed to when at the Tiki room. I've started to use it as an exercise of sorts, forcing myself to move in my own energy no matter what is going on around me. The 'character' I become when working is such an old one that I can slip into her without any effort. It's almost second nature after so many years. So fighting that with a new creation that's not so well worn is not working out. Yet.

I think once I can truly transition into a "let's have fun" mindset rather than a "be good" mentality I will relax considerably.

The Three Ring Circus Begins

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:21:45 GMT

At some point today, it was announced that Michael Jackson's memorial service for the public would be held at Staples Center on Tuesday morning. It didn't take long for the madness to settle into Downtown Los Angeles. Street closures have begun in anticipation of the throngs that will descend upon the already congested area. People have camped out. Vendors are selling anything they can stick his face on in various places just outside of AEG's jurisdiction.

It's going to be a three ring circus for the next five days.

Ironically, the Ringling Bros. will be taking up residency in Staples Center afterward. It will be tame in comparison.

Black Cherry Dress

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:37:38 GMT

jayabusa was taken with a dress made by Heartbreaker for the final scene of the movie. They are a very tiny local designer and appear to hand-make everything they sell. I love supporting people like that. So, I ordered the dress on Monday (thanks to some help from a certain individual). It arrived this afternoon in record time.

The frock looked super cute on the website. It's fun in person but not knock-your-socks-off adorable. And it is certainly not a $76 dress by any stretch of the imagination even if it is handmade with great love. It reminds me of the dresses your mother would make when you were little. I suppose there's something sweet and nostalgic about that worth paying for if that's part of your intent in a purchase. Otherwise, the dress would be more appropriately priced at $50 or $60.

We know it reads well on camera, the means of construction works for the character and the lovely lady from Heartbreaker I dealt with via email was very professional.

I'm adjusting my perspective on it accordingly.

Success

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:45:48 GMT

"He who has achieved success has worked well, laughed often and loved much."
-- Elbert Hubbard

"Too often, people focus only on results. But getting results without learning something or without having fun are incomplete. So is having fun without getting the results, or having fun without learning something new to help and empower you in the future. Accomplishment is all three: the result, personal growth and having fun." -- Peter L. Hirsch

"There are many aspects to success; material wealth is only one component. ...But success also includes good health, energy and enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind."
-- Deepak Chopra

"You don't have to stay up nights to succeed; you have to stay awake days." -- Source Unknown

Looking Inward

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 19:55:14 GMT

I have mentioned in passing through the past year my incredible fortune to have met a professional creative with an extraordinarily huge heart who has been instrumental in teaching me a great deal. I refer to him as my acting mentor or coach. Our relationship transcends labels that often cheapen what passes between us but those are the best words to use to describe what is a greater symbiosis.

His are the last words I want to hear on the topic of Possum Walk or me. I realized as we were talking yesterday that from this point on I no longer want to be accessible to others, particularly their lack of consideration or support that translates into poison.

So, I'm shutting down to the world until after I am done with the filming. I'll be on output only mode save with regards to the very few people who are providing me positive energy.

Sleeping Beauty

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:16:52 GMT

I slept in today.

It was glorious. But everything has a price and that bit of luxurious behavior ate away half my day.

It's time to get dressed, grab my parasol and go make things happen.

A Night Of Freedom

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:33:56 GMT

Saturday evening __wolverine__ took me behind the Orange Curtain to Downtown Disney for a night of rock and romance. We had originally planned to eat at the House of Blues but due to terrible service and a ridiculously uninspiring menu we ended up on an exclusive balcony at the Jazz Kitchen. It was divine. We hadn't had such a marvelous time out in months. Every moment of that meal is seared into my mind as if it were a first date.

Afterward we headed back to the House Of Blues to see John Waite. The man still has his voice in tact.

We had a fruitless adventure around Downtown Disney trying to find some good coffee during which we instead found a Basin bath store and I was treated to three of my favorite bath bombs on earth. Eventually we settled for slamming some crap that looked like coffee and tasted like the inside of a cigarette. Then we drove back to Hollywood with the top of the Jag down. I felt 20 again.

Lists And Such

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 09:33:45 GMT

I started a list on Monday of the things I need to execute or gather for my trip to Texas. I need to get quite a bit done every single day between now and then. I've started crossing things out. I'm still concerned about getting it all done.

People have a very romantic idea of what this will be like for me. I get a lot of silly questions or commentary that makes me a little uncomfortable. The truth is it will be very gritty. It'll be about the work not lavish perks. There won't be much sleep. I won't have time to socialize or hang out. Honestly, I don't really like to deal with the outside world while I'm shooting. I've already started retreating a bit and will probably be fully cocooned in a matter of days.

And, in the blink of an eye, it will all be over far too soon, leaving me with a huge "What next?" hanging over my shoulder.

Belated Mourning

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:38:44 GMT

I wasn't moved by Michael Jackson's death as much as by Farrah Fawcett's passing at first. In fact, I was a little angry that he overshadowed her tragic loss against the cancer she so desperately wanted to beat. I kept replaying that clip from her documentary in my head all day and all night where she fervently wished to live. It quite literally haunted me and set a flame of urgency under my ass to accomplish more than I have been this year.

But there is no disputing the power of the King of Pop. Even though he disappointed so many of us with his personal life, he was still the soundtrack to so many of our days. He was the product of an unnatural situation. And his coping mechanism was just as imperfect as many of ours. We are, at least, lucky to not dwell in the eye of a camera with the whole world dissecting our every move. Having a bit of a peanut gallery, I know what a mindfuck it can be even on a small scale.

Last night I sat and watched an hour of his work on display. Instantly, I was a teenager at my very first dance party in my socks trying to do the Thriller dance. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. That's what it took to help me release my sense of betrayal, forgive him and be deeply sad that he never did figure out how to move in the world as his own person.

If I didn't have to be at the Tiki room tonight, I'd probably head out to Hollywood Blvd (to the correct star on the side walk as there has been some confusion) and let my inner little girl pay a brilliant man some respect.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 05:43:43 GMT

It was a very off kilter day here in Los Angeles. Something about the death of icons had a distinct bearing on the way people conducted themselves. Or, perhaps, it was the presence of something sinister hanging in the air smothering better angels and enticing a soullessness to rule the day. Whatever it was, I didn't care for it.

I had already planned to break out my iPod and reenter my social avoidance maneuvers after being slapped on the ass for my kindness to the needy the other day. But with the sadness moving through the city, buffering myself was down right necessary.

It was all very ironic as I started the day feeling lonely. I ended it wanting to be left alone.

Final Version Of The PW Script

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:53:50 GMT

I just finished reading the final version of the Possum Walk script with the polished ending.

It's really good.

And twisted.

RIP Ed McMahon

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:38:26 GMT

I found out Ed McMahon died while I was at work in the Tiki room. When I was told I nearly cried on the spot. Instead, I managed a profound silence. At least he's no longer in pain.

RIP

No Good Deed Goes Unspanked

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 07:10:55 GMT

"I'm not the boogie man!" he said as he crossed Figueroa and matched my stride as I walked toward the metro station to get home. While that may have been true, he did have an agenda. He wanted one of two things - money or sex. I was too tired to be unkind. I didn't cut him off before he could start, which was my usual modus operandi at the end of the night. Besides, I had just had an evening courtesy of inconsideration. It seemed hypocritical to execute the very behavior I had suffered through even if I could smell a sordid motive.

He did a familiar tap dance. He told me I was beautiful and acted as if I were a vision. That crap never works on me. Insincerity has a stench I am far more intimate with than I care to be. He informed me that he was a former veteran, thus impressing me with his pedigree. And as I was parting ways, ready to chastise myself for assuming there was anything in his heart but connection, he hit me with it - he said he was homeless and needed money.

I gave him a few dollars. I've done so every week with many of the out of luck denizens of Downtown's roving skid row. It's only fair because I couldn't have made it through the last 12 months without the help of others.

He asked for a hug. He was very clean compared to the hardcore homeless known to haunt the area. So I gave him one, noting the gin soaking his breath and realizing sadly where my money would go. But the deed was done and I hoped he'd do something useful with my gesture. Then again, if I were in his position, I'd probably drink too.

As I turned to leave, I felt a slap on my ass. I turned around totally shocked. I couldn't believe he had just touched me in such a way.

"Now, that was disrespectful," I sighed with every ounce of disappointed disgust I had to spare.

The homeless veteran looked shocked at my reaction. That didn't help. He started to apologize. I didn't bother to stay for it.

Mexia And Groesbeck

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:25:09 GMT

I spent a little time last night researching the part of Texas I'd be in while shooting Possum Walk. I was curious if it was as remote as it sounded and if they had a Starbuck's. Thanks to the modern marvel that is Google Earth I was able to explore the area in stark detail. It's going to be culture shock for me. I haven't seen a place like it anywhere save on television or in movies, which I find ironic.

And, no, they don't have a Starbuck's. Or a Coffee Bean. Or Seattle's Best. Or... you get the picture.

Small Luxuries

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:49:57 GMT

I've begun purchasing small luxuries in the last month for the first time in nearly a year. Nothing extravagant like a day at the spa or a much lusted after pair of heels to add to my collection. Tiny things like wasabi peas, blueberries and fresh parmesan cheese.

I'm one step closer to living the way I prefer every week.

Summer Solstice

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:46:28 GMT

While Los Angeles was shrugging off the last of the June Gloom, and the longest day was lumbering across the sky, I was having the most endless day of the week, busting my tail to facilitate the memories of other people. In fact, I didn't even realize the solstice was upon us because my life has been so over scheduled that I can barely register the world around me save in those short jaunts to and from the places I need to be.

Regardless of my tunnel vision, I managed to pull off a significant life change even without realizing it was in step with a shift of season. After half a year of being a slave to survival, I took control of my circumstances and tamed them in such a way that I can resume walking down the long worn path I prefer to travel. It's the path executed with creativity and leads to points of satisfaction.

Freedom tastes so damn sweet, particularly when it has been so hard won.

Midnight Eloquence

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:00:28 GMT

It's too bad my brain doesn't have a cerebral keyboard attached to my computer. I lay in bed while I am trying to sleep and write in my head for hours. I don't mean blog. I mean write.

Instead I am left wordless in the wee hours of a Sunday morning watching what fistful of minutes I have to myself melt like ice in the desert.

I was remarkably eloquent at 3 am.

Popping In

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 06:39:12 GMT

I don't have much to say right now. All of my spare time is going into fitness, working on the Possum Walk script and attending to the details of making myself look as best I can on camera.

I'm also trying to get a jump on gathering the items I'll need for those trips out to Texas. I suppose I'm making a care package for myself so I can feel a little grounded while out there.

Possum Walk's Badge Of Honor

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:28:46 GMT

It's a badge of honor for a horror film to have some sort of haunted or twisted obstacle getting in the way of production. And it seems that Possum Walk officially earned its dirty gold star this past weekend.

I had the chance to talk to jayabusa for the first time in months at dusk yesterday and he regaled me with stories from the set. The cast and crew have been broadcasting nothing but awe and satisfaction at the end of every weekend so I was prepared for glowing reports. But the piece de resistance of spooky circumstances and near thwarting from this past weekend was the best. It completely suited the plot of the movie.

The tenacity and passion of this little film is contagious. I am eager to add to the mix and feed off of the energy in what seems to be a unique experience.

Shaking Conformity

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:04:25 GMT

"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself." -- Rita Mae Brown

"Once in a while it really hits people that they dont have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -- Alan Keightley

Living by the rules for the past six months has sucked. I won't sugar coat it. It isn't me. It doesn't work. And there is nothing in it for me. My compliance to a greater mechanism in which I am a mere cog does not fill me with a sense of belonging or significance. It pisses me off and makes me want to cease to exist if this is how I have to do it.

Every single time I have tried to do it 'the right way' I have discovered this. But it's my behavioral pattern after a deep tailspin of any kind to be 'responsible.' I revert to the 'tried and true' paths instead of innovating because being creative in a free fall feels like a greater gamble. The truth is that there is no better time for out of the box thinking.

Today I took steps toward shaking myself of conformity and putting the color back into my world.

Twisted Tea Party

victoria@victoria-lane.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:00:56 GMT

From the twisted (and gifted) mind of circle23 comes this fantastic nod to Edward Gorey.

Hundreds of them here.

You must click on it.

You won't be sorry.