The Lost Year

I couldn’t remember what we did last year for the holidays.  I’d completely forgotten how miserable we were and how little money we had.  We didn’t even celebrate Xmas or the Solstice.  We sort of acknowledged NYE.  And I didn’t bother with my birthday at all.  We also had that arsonist running around, burning carports, including the one across the street from us.

It was hands down the darkest holiday season of my life.

This year is so different by comparison.  I was incredibly lucky to have met certain people who have allowed me to transform my life into a far better place.



One of the things I so love about Los Angeles is the fact that out of nowhere,  you can find yourself in the midst of something rare and special without warning.  Last night was one of those moments.  I realized I was sharing space with two of the greatest chefs in the city if not the entire US as well as hands down the finest mixologist in our country.  I had some food and drink that was beyond anything you’ll find in typical restaurant, even a high end establishment.

I also discovered that I love uni.  That’s sea urchin for those of you who don’t know.  I like it raw.  I like it pureed. Smoked into a mousse.  I like it deep fried.  I pretty much love the hell out of it and I understand why otters will claw into those things and dig out the meat.  I discovered I enjoy some other exotic items as well. 

My current lifestyle is ruining me for basic food.  I am no longer able to handle boring food.  And I absolutely cannot stand anything that isn’t fresh or organic.  The difference is enormous to me.


Thanksgiving 2012


It feels very different than in years past.  It’s relaxed. __wolverine__ is happy about the holiday for the first time in years.  And we are enjoying one of the best times in our relationship ever.  But this is how it is supposed to be. This is what I have spent my whole life believing in but never experiencing.  We have been through so much and are incredibly close as a result. 

I am thankful to be in this moment and aware of what I have.

I had one of the more visceral epiphanies of my life yesterday.  It came out of nowhere but I nearly threw up because it sickened me to truly comprehend this… understanding.  Over the course of several hours, I faced it, owned it and harvested the good from it.

I worked hard for this space in time.  This peace.  This prosperity.  In spite of giving up so much of myself to the wrong people (though never for the wrong reasons).  And I am lucky.  I came out the other side of it all with a lot of scars but with my humanity in tact and a type of power that I haven’t once used in the dark ways I have every right to embrace, considering what all has come to pass.

I am ridiculously thankful I met someone who gave me such an incredible amount of perspective that I have been in the process of healing as well as letting go of so much old baggage in the weeks since that fateful night.  That whole encounter is still sinking in and working its quiet magic.

I suppose you can call all of this comfortable.  It’s new.  It isn’t intoxicating in the least, which I tend to favor, but so sweet all the same.


Bring it on like there is no tomorrow.


American Priorities

Every year I am sure we have reached the peak of retail frenzy for the holidays.  And every year, I am wrong.  It gets worse.  Given people’s behavior, you’d think Black Friday was an actual holiday wherein it is mandated that you spend money on crap you just don’t need.

I have actively refused to buy a single thing on Black Friday for at least 8 years if not longer.  It’s obscene.  With all truthfulness, I am finding I don’t want much this year.  I’d like an iPhone 5 and an iPad Mini.  Everything else I crave falls under the category of experiences.  Theater tickets. Concert tickets. Fine dining. Bottles of outrageously expensive limited edition wine/champagne. Black winter truffles. A vacation that doesn’t take place in Los Angeles.  But I don’t *need* any of it.

So, I’ve been hiding deep within the Vixen Cave, trying to avoid the mounting retail madness while cleaning and preparing for a very cozy Thanksgiving.  __wolverine__ is busy getting our massive projection television fixed, as it started doing something weird a couple of days ago.  We’ve spent the last few days streamlining our living space, something I’ve been wanting for a year now.

I refuse to be swept up in the tide of mainstream culture’s fucked priorities. It is the time of year to slow down, focus on people you love and enjoy simply existing.


Classic Bond Girl Moment

I get to meet a lot of very neat people these days.  It’s fun. And sometimes, it’s deeply moving.

Last night I had the chance to meet Luciana Paluzzi, Fiona Volpe of  the original Thunderball.  Classic Bond Girls were some of my early aspiration figures. So getting to tell one of them how big an impact they had on the woman I became… that was such an incredible moment.  Especially since she understood and gave me a hug.  I think it actually made her happy.

I never, ever go out of my way to talk to anyone high profile beyond what is appropriate because I like to let them live their lives.  It’s exhausting to constantly have people want something from you.  In my own little way, I grasp that.

I’m very grateful someone give me the opportunity to say something real in a way that wasn’t intrusive.  It meant a great deal to me.


Lessons From Sandy

There is something about reading stories of New Yorkers walking for hours to get to work as if that’s just what you do that has struck me hard.  It’s ridiculously inspiring.  That is what you do.  You just get it done.

So, given the absolute luxuries I have… in comparison… what feats could I be accomplishing instead of chasing after ridiculous comforts no one really needs?

I’m streamlining in massive ways.

I’ll always be a glam girl with eccentric, Hollywood desires.  I spend just about every night purveying decadence.  It’s how I make a living.  But there is a way to remain well ensconced in that world more intelligently.


Tales From The Vixen Cave

"...conflict is the primary engine of creativity and innovation. People don't learn by staring into a mirror; people learn by encountering difference."

-- Ronald Heifetz

I still marvel at how I was able to fill page after page effortlessly for decades and now all I can muster is the most sporadic flurry of entirely forgettable words.  I’d much prefer this silence to happen in my conversation and not with my writing.  I’d rather say little in person but rage upon the page.

I’m starting to think that a downside to living in the fast lane is that there comes a point when you have quite honestly seen it all so there is nothing left to say. In this context.  I have plenty to say about human folly and the female experience.  I’d prefer to save it for something more artistic than a blog.

Bowling For Boobies 2012 happened.  It was fun.  Our team more than doubled the amount we brought in the previous year.  The whole event was very well run and thus less chaotic than in previous years. We even had time to just hang out and chat before it started.  Pictures will eventually surface, though I am not holding my breath that any of them will be decent. I always look like hell at this event, no matter how hard I try.  I’m usually exhausted so getting to the event is a feat.

I am casually gearing up for Samhain.  I decided that even if I had to go out alone, I was going to do something, particularly since last year I was so wiped out from selling costumes that the holiday was ruined.  It remains to be seen if I will do Tuesday and Wednesday or just the actual holiday.


So Close!

With six days left to go, I have $223 left to raise to reach my 1K goal for Bowling For Boobies.  A shocking mere 35 people have helped make that possible.  With the thousands of people I have access to via social networking, it’s truly stunning so few have responded.  Even more wild that most of those people have very little to give.

Every single dollar donated goes directly to the women battling breast cancer. It does not disappear into a giant organization.  Please consider tossing in a few dollars! 

You can do that here.  It is safe, secure, and you can do it anonymously if you so desire.